About Me

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I don't have very many dreams or goals that most people have, some that are definitely unreachable, but worth striving for. Every now and then I write a story in my head or pen a poem down. The only way I know how to express myself through words is through my writing.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

The Shaking

Knees wrapped up close
Rocking back and forth
This is the path I chose
Screaming and crying
Constant reminders of what's there
I scream that I'm trying
I try to tell you that I care
I'm done with all this denying
You can't leave- don't you dare
Please stay before
I fight to breathe; hold on a little while longer
If we don't, I'll break a little more
My body shakes vigorously as my heart pulls
My breathing shortens
I've never seen someone so beautiful
With you, my world has brighten
I push out the worst
I hang on to what I love
I fall in headfirst
She's what brings me all out of the above
I need her,
I need you.

Monday, December 28, 2009

How do I tell?

Pen and paper in hand
Tell me something I don't know-
How do I say something so simple,
Yet so complicated?
I wanna say so much to you
How do you tell someone you're falling in love?
I never meant for it to happen,
Came right outta left field...
I'm drawing a blank,
You leave an empty feeling
I'm dangerously close to being damaged
Everytime I think of your face,
I feel so much pain and love...
When we talk, I get the biggest smile on my face,
I feel like I'm on cloud nine
I'm dangerously stepping on the edge
I'm drawing a blank-
I'm falling for you...
(I'm in love with you)

Sunday, December 20, 2009

A Moment that was a Lifetime

I stood outside, leaning against the wall
The wind harsh against my skin
He walked past.
Momentarily- I gasped-
Weeks of heartache dug at me
Pulled me back under the sea of despair
He didn't even glance my way.
Didn't notice; I'm invisible
I closed my eyes; ready to cry
But the tears never came.
The moment passed
I wanted it (love)
I needed it (him)
"It won't ever happen again" I mouthed
How do you open yourself to a possibility that doesn't exist?
Does he care? I don't think so.
His eyes once shown that he cared
His smiles melted my heart- I always went weak
I always went more than half way
But... He never came.
He could try to care
But he'll run-they always do
My fingers tingled-
Empty spaces: of which should be filled with his
The physical pains of heartbreak is so real,
I could hardly breathe.
I missed him- I MISS him...
From his smiles to his eyes and the way he smelled,
His kisses took me so deeply-
That when they ended, I was ripped from my blissed out world.
Why not me? Why not us?
I looked up,
There he stood,
He smiled.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

One foot in front of the other

So confused, so lost
Where's my yellow brick road?
The path that's not yet taken has left its treacherous mark-
Beckoning me to stamp its' greens
Take risks, what do you have to lose?
Throw whatever you've got,
I'll continue to walk; one foot in front of the other- repeat
You can tear me down,
But I'll make my way back
Where's my city of color?
Paint the town with my tears
I've got myself- tell me it'll be okay
I'll continue to fight even when things look so blight
One foot in front of the other,
I'll make my way down the yellow brick road
Be my wicked witch of the west,
You'll never get the best
Be my courageous lion,
You'll get the best of the best
Be my tin man,
You'll get my love
Be my scarecrow,
You'll get my intellect
Nevertheless, I'll get myself
One foot in front of the other,
I'll find my way down the yellow brick road,
With or without you-
I'll find myself,
But I really wish-
That you'll be the one at the end of the road,
One foot in front of the other,
Follow the yellow brick road of the path not yet taken.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Dont wanna miss you

I don't wanna miss you,
I just wanna hate you.
With every breath,
I breathe you out
I try to reach out,
But instead I fall
I just wanna stay put,
I'm tired of running away
I don't wanna miss you,
I just wanna hate you
What can I say,
I just wanna hate you
You're not worth the tears,
I just wanna hate you...

Monday, December 14, 2009

"Never again, will he ever"

You make me so mad that I want to cry
You look at me with no emotions left in your eyes
I'd rather sit here and listen to all the lies
Than to say the final goodbye
I reach out, no one's there
I scream -
And nobody cares
Please make all this a dream...
I can't make myself wake
I snap into two and I bleed out
I'm just another mistake -
A mistake you once thought about
I try to put myself together
One by one, the sleeves roll down
I'll tell myself, "never again, will he ever"
I take the final leap; hoping to drown
Only this time, it's for good
I'll whisper, "Never again, will he ever" over and over -
My last words.

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Half-way

So awake, so alone
I walk this broken road
Not once but twice before
Everything's a distant memory-
Your kisses, the touch of your hand
We were once so alive
What made it all go so wrong
Love pulls at every turn
I keep walking away
Only because you never meet me half-way
I still don't understand
Why you even left in the first place
You never really said goodbye
You're so afraid to even come so close
To smile or to fall in love
The tension between us never fades
To slip back would be so amazing
But can I trust you
Would I fall so hard
And end up so broken
I'm so scared, so scared of you, of us
Have we ever really been in love,
Is there such thing as forever
People fall in and out so easily
How do I know this is a chance worth fighting for,
Is this a risk I should take
It wouldn't take so much for me to break
So confused and so much pain
I can only dare to dream-
What if you wanted me too..
Meet me half-way...

Done

How can someone like you not care
Break me if you dare
But ill tell you now,
I'm not fighting,
I give up and I'm done
You looked straight at me,
How can you show no emotion
The smiles on your face- a distant memory
You wash over me as if you were the ocean,
Pulling me under without even realizing
I'm drowning without your arms to save me
But you don't really care,
Truth is.. Neither do I,
I rather drown than face all the lies.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Feel Something

One look is all it takes
One second is all it makes
The smile on your face causes me to get lost
Don't know whether to smile back or let out the pain you've given me
I keep myself busy just so ill forget
For a moment, ill remember
It tears me up inside just to know
That you once cared
What do I do?
Do I wait for you to say sorry,
Or do I begin the hate?
I dread seeing you
But I just want to pull you close,
Just one more time
All I want is for you to say everything will be okay,
For you to grab my hand
Tear me apart,
You already have started the process
What's one more word, one more kiss?
Just let me inside, let me go
Love me, hate me
Anything-
Just feel me...

Indefinitely Bounded

We're tied together,
Bounded by invisible ropes
Incapable of existing or of escape
The truth either tears us inside or fills us with content
Never in between; no shades of grey
I try so hard-
To draw the line of friends and love
How do I have you as both
One or the other-
Its either hate or its love
Without you, it doesn't make any sense
With you, its too much to handle
I'd try again but only to be afraid to fail,
To walk myself back into destruction-
But I already have begun if I don't
Balance with you doesn't exist
I'd be fooling myself if there was
Digging my own path to nowhere
I'm kicking up dirt,
With the past biting at my heels
It'll only take a moment-
A moment before it consumes what's left of me,
Tears fall at the thought of us,
Of the hurt we've gone through
Incontrollably, my heart breaks again
For a minute, will yours be whole?
The fights have always been ours,
There's no escape of you and me
What is and what isn't,
Revolves completely around you
I hate you but I love you
This is the way we are,
Balanced out-
With and without
Never in between, always the other
You and me,
An indefinite that's bound together.

Friday, December 11, 2009

How?

Trying to cover up over all pain
Hiding in denial over truth
Pushing away the past without accepting it
Running, trying to escape
But there's no chances
No way of breathing you in and out
Without releasing what some call love,
Without releasing you
You ran back into my life as easily as you went out..
How do I make sense of this; of you
Do I let you in or do I push you out
Tell you what you want to hear or the truth
Fight with myself over what's right and what's wrong
Maybe not everythings not forbidden
I can't touch or hold you close
But is that reason enough-
To keep fighting or to give in
Do I risk everything to pull you in
Or do I throw you away as if I don't care
Truth is, I don't even know
But someday my heart might take you in,
But not today, not tomorrow or
Maybe sometime soon, maybe never
Or maybe I've always been..

Thursday, December 10, 2009

I Don't Understand

I don't understand
How can you just pretend,
Appear unfazed by the thought of me being broken,
Of me not being yours?
I want to scream!
I don't understand
Why we're where we are,
And how you look so together,
While I'm torn at the threads?
I don't understand
When we kissed you never let go,
But now its like it never happened,
Do I not exist?
I don't understand
If you didn't want me, why did you kiss me,
Why did you say all the things I wanted to hear,
Why did you leave?
I want to scream!
I don't understand!
I fell so hard for you,
I tried to be yours- I risked everything,
But you still left-why?
I don't understand
Why couldn't you tell me why,
Or why I'm so broken inside,
Or do you miss me at all?
I don't understand
How could I love you,
When I'm with someone else,
Or why am I wanting you so badly?
I want to scream..
I don't understand
Why I'm so alone without you,
Why I'm so scared to breathe,
Why you're not here with me saying everything's gonna be okay
I don't understand
Why you're not mine..
When I'm so yours.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Incomplete

You told me I made you complete
That you never want to let go of what feels so right
But now everything feels so wrong-
You've left me feeling incomplete
You said you'd never leave,
But I'm standing all alone
Wondering if there was any truth to your words
All these kisses, were they just pretend
I risked so much for you,
I'd have thrown everything I had away just for you
You were so sweet,
Swept me off my feet with those kisses
You were everything I ever imagined,
I had you for a moment..
There's nothing I wouldn't give to go back and be completely yours
What did I do wrong to make you leave
Tell me why, ill never be okay
Ill be left incomplete until I've got you back
Just tell me why, why did you leave...

Take it back

I just want to go back
Say you didn't mean it
That it was all her
Tell me all the things I want to hear,
But not that, not goodbye
I've exhausted every reason, every why
I've given us a complete try
Tell me it was a mistake,
Take hold and don't let me go
Stop the tears from falling down
Pick up the pieces you've broke
Do anything but don't say goodbye
I carelessly thought I was good enough
That you had actually wanted me
It was too good to be true,
I'm just not meant to have you
But I've fallen so hard,
Tripped on the way down and you've picked me up
Only to trip me back down again
But why me, why us
Take back the goodbye,
Please don't let it be true..
Your silence terrifies me,
I'm weak in the knees for you.

Monday, December 7, 2009

I Cant

I still can't believe it
Your words made the first cut
But the emptiness made it deeper
I don't understand!
Not after the things you've said
Not after the way you'd pull me close
The mirrored image of the perfect kiss,
Now ruined because I stand alone
I want to run, I want to cry
I want to forget it never happened
That you're still mine,
It doesn't make sense..
How can you let go?
How can I let go?
I can't...

Biggest Cut

You've made the biggest cut
I've gotta bleed you out
As you breathe me in and out
Searing pain incomparable to yours
Your face keeps seething into my blood; toxic
Incapable of breathing,
Fighting against you, against myself
This doesn't take away the hurt
It doesn't bring you back
Its almost as if this is just a dream
All these scars on my body,
This one hurts the most; its not even visable
My hand reaches out, wanting nothing but you
Ill be left dangling, dying inside
I'm just a flame that's burned out
Cold and breathtaking as you are;
You're not worth my time
But I'm so taken up inside,
Hoping you'd fall just as hard
Now I just wanna make you pain,
Pain the way you make me feel
I can't wait to hate you

Nothing but a Puppet

I can't believe you
That you're just a lie..
Eating away at the void you can call what was once my heart-
I hate this, I fucking hate you
I fell so hard for you,
You couldn't even tell me the truth
But you could kiss me and pretend
Play me as a perfectly orchestrated puppet-
That's what I was,
Nothing more than a toy you picked up to break
You left me- as easily as you could
Play no games, its an obvious goodbye
I'm left with these empty words, empty promises
My hollowed heart continues to beat without a single miss
Ill have to pick up the pieces and pretend you never exist
Wipe away the tears and paint a smile,
Make you see that you're making a big mistake
But really I just want to disappear
This hurts more than it should,
You've already stabbed so go ahead, twist the knife
I don't want you anymore.

Shots

Just another heart-
I'm just some girl to you
Another heart to break,
With nothing left to take
You're broken but so am I
Were nothing but a pair of lies
I fight until there's nothing left
Just a flame that's been blown out
I breathe and you breathe out
I cry til I'm unable to make a sound
You go on as if nothing exists
I run out of words, I bleed out
You're burning and so am I
But I'm fading in and out
As you're straying from the truth
There is no you and I
No more plays, no more smiles
No more shots in this game we call life
You're used up and I'm bleeding out
You're cold but I might as well be dead
How could you leave as easily as you did,
Without a word, without a care
I'm meant to walk this world alone,
You're meant to break many hearts-
As mine is just another heart to break
Now you know, there's nothing left to take.
My final shot isn't for you, its always been me;
Take as many shots in life as you can,
but save the last for yourself when the world gets unbearable.
I've never been yours to take,
Just yours to break.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Heartstrings

Endless wonders
Constant tug of war
You continually pull at my strings
I'm always the one that's left-
Wanting more
You get what you want-
Nothing attached
I wish I was yours
Why does it seem that you don't care?
All these broken, empty promises-
But the way you look at me;
Shows me otherwise,
Make me yours.

Me + Love = You + Thanks

In these we lay,
In which heavens pray
For that these solemn tears continue to fall
Silently and heartbreaking-
The pain of which we feel begin to take its toll
The truths and lies that I'm continuously mistaking
Leaves me hollow like the empty promises you've been making
Comparing you to something does you no justice,
But all you seem to do is take
What more will it take for me to break
Another excitement from you means more disappointment
Your response will never change: Love you = thanks.