Battles Within

I'm not as innocent as I look
People seem to think I'm readable as a book;
As if they know what I'm thinking.

If I'm sad, it's never for the reason they think they know;
Angry but I keep it all inside.

I know the outcome of my depression;
I'm the only one the blame.

Am I as fragile as I seem?
I'm not that easy to break;
If only they knew what I held every day.

A battle introverted and extroverted;
I'm fighting both sides that I'm losing.

I come with shards of glass-
No one will ever be able to piece them together again;
They know what I want them to know.

Incapable of knocking walls down-
I've barricaded myself;
If I'm screaming- they'll never know.

They'll never know who I am completely;
Because I'll never be able to save myself.


*Side note: This was back when I first finally got my anti-depressants. I had really, really needed them and still do. They help- A LOT but it's still hard. Every one still tend to think I'm breakable. I'm a lot stronger and getting there every day. The first step is admitting you have a problem with something and it's not something that's easily fixable. I have a lot of issues with myself and with my past. Deafness is still currently one but one I wish to resolve happily and peacefully because I really do need to come to terms with it and just accept that it's a part of me which is very difficult to do because I'm still angry about it. I do wish I could hear a lot more, but I have benefited a bit from being deaf. I know sign language, I can read lips, I know how to talk and I can hear quite a bit with the assistance of my Cochlear Implant which is a lot more than a lot of deaf people can say. It's sad to know they've never heard music but it's not like they can't communicate. Communicating with your hands is beautiful. I love signing, I miss it but I'm really shy to do it publicly without another deaf person to confer with. I do tend to talk out loud as I sign, but it's easier for me when it's with another deaf person because they NEED me to sign.